Caged Wisdom - Queer Eye for the Fandom Guy [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Dances With Vampires

[ website | Yahtzee's Fic ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Queer Eye for the Fandom Guy [Aug. 11th, 2003|10:16 am]
Previous Entry Add to Memories Tell a Friend Next Entry
[mood | amused]

Fic update: HTSS will be another week in final polish, which is for the best. But it WILL be out next week, or I will finally die of exhaustion. However, no rest is to be had, as [info]rheanna27 and I hope to dive into "Eve's Nightingales" immediately thereafter.

Life update: All is reasonably well. I had some RL friends "stumble" across my fic page -- trust me, you would have to do some digging to connect my real name to the Yahtzee archive. They teased me about it lightly, which bothered me a lot. It's less that they know about it -- they did know that I wrote fic -- and more that they went to all this trouble. We aren't as close as we used to be, either, which just makes it feel -- really, really weird. Anybody else had this happen?

Wasting-time-at-work update: Sure, I could dive right into fact-checking ASAP. Or I could write this:



Queer Eye for the Fandom Guy

A Fab Five Primer:

Carson = fashion
Kyan = grooming
Thom = décor
Jai = culture
Ted = food and drink



Subject one: Fox Mulder

THOM: Ohhhh-kay. For the record, you can make a coffee table out of almost anything: a door, an ottoman, old steamer trunks. You cannot make a coffee table out of stacks of porn videos.

MULDER: That’s not a coffee table. It’s just -- convenient.

TED : Guys, do NOT sit on the sofa. (Thom quickly begins covering the sofa in Saran Wrap.)

MULDER: Probably wise.

CARSON: Let’s talk about this closet. I’m not seeing anything too scary here. That’s because I’m only seeing one thing here. Tell me, Fox -- GREAT name -- what do you wear to work?

MULDER: Dark suit, conservative tie.

CARSON: What do you wear when you go out in the evenings?

MULDER: Like to meet informants? Dark suit, conservative tie.

CARSON: And for a date?

MULDER: Date?

THOM: The rest of the apartment is like some Soviet décor gulag -- but the bedroom is fantastic! Who did this for you? Because, let’s face it, you didn’t do this yourself.

MULDER: Kind of a weird story, really --



Subject two: Blair Sandburg


KYAN: Okay. You have chosen to wear your hair this way because -- why?

BLAIR: I don’t know. It’s always been curly. It’s this or white man’s ‘fro.

CARSON (sotto voce): And this is NOT white man’s ‘fro?

KYAN: Don’t get me wrong; I salute you for avoiding the ‘fro option. But you can’t just give up. You have to say, I’m willing to fight this. I’m READY to fight this.

BLAIR: I didn’t think it was that bad.

KYAN: Science makes bold leaps forward in hair-care every day, Blair. Waxes. Spray starches. Japanese thermal straightening. We have the technology.


Subject three: Captain Jack Sparrow


CARSON: Okay, this is your normal everyday look? This isn’t, like, terror drag?

JACK: Oh, this old thing. (Holds out the sleeves of his coat, tosses his hair.)

CARSON: Well, the good side is, you’re not afraid to take chances. We can work with that.

TED: Come and take a look at the bar. We’ve tried to provide a little more variety, a little more finesse -- some top-brand vodka for mixers, a nice brandy --

JACK: Where is the rum?

TED: Rum -- you know, rum’s nice in a pina colada or something like that, but it’s a little downscale, and if you’ll just consider --

JACK (pulls out musket): We’ll be putting the rum back, mate.

TED: And the rum goes back.


Subject four: Lex Luthor


KYAN: Looks like I’m sitting this one out.

THOM: The stained glass, the statues -- I feel like I’m visiting a museum, not hanging out at a friend’s house.

LEX: I don’t like my possessions stored away in vaults. Wealth isn’t real unless you can see it. Unless you can feel it.

JAI (stares long and hard): Are you SURE you belong on this show?

LEX: Maybe.

CARSON (sticks his head in from the hallway): This man’s closet is FULL of silk shirts in soft pastels and deep purple.

LEX: Okay. Maybe not.


Subject five: Legolas Greenleaf


KYAN: Most guys with long hair don’t put in the time to condition properly, but you have, which is kind of the saving grace here.

LEGOLAS: Elves have no split ends. Our hair is, like the rest of our bodies, perfect and unchanging.

KYAN: Well, it’s past time for changing, because this look hasn’t been in since -- well, ever.

CARSON: Also, when you combine it with this outfit you’ve got going? The overall effect is very Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan. Not sexy.

JAI (gestures toward the windows, which are lined with screaming girls, all clawing at the glass): I’m not sure this guy has a big problem with that.

LEGOLAS smirks.



Subject six: Angel


The FAB FIVE stare.


KYAN: He uses product.

CARSON: The jacket, the pants, the shirt -- it all works.

THOM: Why are you even here?

ANGEL: Cordelia made me. She wants your autographs.

KYAN: It’s like he’s the One Straight Man foretold by prophecy.

ANGEL (grimaces): Please, no prophecies.

CARSON: For the first and only time, I’m going to say it -- Don’t change a thing.

ANGEL: Can I go now?



Subject seven: Magneto


JAI: Okay, I feel like you’re giving off really hostile vibes. What is the image you’re presenting to the world? What are you trying to communicate?

MAGNETO: That humanity’s time is over, and that they will soon be crushed under my heel.

JAI: Negative, negative energy. You’d be a lot happier if you’d try something just a little lighter, a little more colorful. And so I thought we’d start with your name. "Magneto" -- so harsh, and frankly, it sounds like you’re trying just a bit too hard.

MAGNETO: I no longer wish to be known by my human name.

JAI: I get that. So I just want to show you -- we switch two letters around, and we get something so much brighter: "Magento."

MAGNETO: I’m going to have to kill you all now.

CARSON: Not before you explain this helmet.



I'm sure the list could go on and on. :)

How worried should I be that reading this book about income tax promises to be the fun part of my day?

Wow! I go to a long meeting and return to find happy people. Now, by request of [info]likebunnies, the Fab Five visits Hogwarts:



KYAN: This hair -- this is not good. When did you last wash this?

SNAPE: I have more important matters to attend to than hairstyles, frivolous fool.

CARSON: Starting with the wardrobe choices. Green is not your color.

KYAN: You're a potions master, right? You can whip up a little Selsun Blue sometime. Try it.

SNAPE (smiles wickedly>: I did put together -- this.

The Fab Five stares at the bubbling cauldron.

TED: That is the most disreputable Pinot Noir I've ever seen.

SNAPE: It's not wine, you imbeciles! It's a potion.

JAI: And that would be a potion that does -- what?

SNAPE: Those exposed to it develop a lifelong affinity for -- polyester.

THOM: Run! Run! Now! Now!
linkReply

Comments:
Page 1 of 8
<<[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] >>
[User Picture]From: [info]cageyklio
2003-08-11 08:41 am (UTC)

(Link)

we switch two letters around, and we get something so much brighter: "Magento."

Bwahahahaha!

Sympathies on the RL outing. Perhaps they were trying to reconnect and thought it would be a good way?
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 08:44 am (UTC)

(Link)

I think they just must have been really, really -- bored. They claimed it was because they were looking for my new e-mail address, but the old e-mail address still works, and if they had tried it once, they would've gotten a response. So I'm feeling a bit like some prying was going on. And like I need to try and further remove the few RN-fic connections that still exist on the web.

And yes, "Magento" -- can you tell which typo I've been making for weeks? ;)
[User Picture]From: [info]bethbethbeth
2003-08-11 08:41 am (UTC)

(Link)

Anybody else had this happen?

Yep, just recently with one of my students. Not the "one of my students" who turned out to *be* a slasher (and with whom I share a number of friends), but with a semi-random student. And not just my fic, but my LJ. "Do you mind if I friend you?" he said, and what could I say? But that reciprocal friending thing? Not happening.

And the Fab Five thing? I'm *dying* here. Hee.
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 08:46 am (UTC)

(Link)

Oh, creepy, creepy, creepy! Worst-case scenario! I mean, I'm not very happy about these people knowing, but I have known them long enough that I certainly have reciprocal dirt.

I'm glad the Fab Five were some consolation. :)
[User Picture]From: [info]ratcreature
2003-08-11 08:42 am (UTC)

(Link)

ROTFLOL. I don't even now this Queer Eye... show, and this was still funny.
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 08:48 am (UTC)

(Link)

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy takes these five gay men and sets them loose on a style-clueless straight man who's admitted he needs help. The Fab Five are very, very funny, but they're also genuinely rooting for the guys they're remaking, which makes the show sort of oddly heartwarming as well as hysterical.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
[User Picture]From: [info]musesfool
2003-08-11 08:45 am (UTC)

(Link)



*dies*
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 08:50 am (UTC)

(Link)

The little ball falls off the chair! How did you create this marvel?

And I like your icon, too.
From: [info]luluminion
2003-08-11 08:47 am (UTC)

(Link)

This is HYSTERICAL!!!!!! I have tears in my eyes! Seriously.

I'd pull out favorite lines, but there are so many.

It was all just perfect.
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 08:51 am (UTC)

(Link)

Glad you enjoyed it!
[User Picture]From: [info]kassrachel
2003-08-11 08:52 am (UTC)

(Link)

I'm not sure which one's funnier, Mulder or Sandburg or Legolas. (I expect they're all that good -- I'm just insufficiently familiar with source texts. :-) Thanks for posting!
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 08:55 am (UTC)

(Link)

Well, as I have never even watched one episode of "The Sentinel" myself, I have no idea of Blair is funny or not. But I am glad you enjoyed it!
[User Picture]From: [info]ros_fod
2003-08-11 08:54 am (UTC)

(Link)

KYAN: It’s like he’s the One Straight Man foretold by prophecy.

LMFAO!!!

Oh, dear. I was planning on having a bad day, and *everything*, and then you had to go and ruin it.

[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 08:56 am (UTC)

(Link)

Bwah-hah-hah! Your bad mood cannot survive!

{{{}}} Feel better!
[User Picture]From: [info]hafital
2003-08-11 08:57 am (UTC)

(Link)

That? Was hysterical. And I haven't even seen Queer Eye. Hee.

And I have this philosophy about my RL friends (or family) finding out what I do: if they go looking, and you do have to be *actively* looking, then whatever they find they have to deal with it. As they say, if you go hunting tigers, you'd better be able to handle what you find. Most of my friends now I write, many of them know I write fanfic and even slash but are unaware of just what that means, and a few know I write homoerotica, but none of them, as far as I know, have found my page. yet. eek. :)

[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 08:59 am (UTC)

(Link)

I like this "hunting tigers" analogy. It's quite right; it's theirs to deal with now, not mine. And if they want to try and fluster me, they're going to have to get a time machine and go back to an era before I saw them get drunk at Mardi Gras and do things far, far less explicable than writing slash. Ha!
[User Picture]From: [info]strawberrythief
2003-08-11 09:13 am (UTC)

(Link)

"It’s like he’s the One Straight Man foretold by prophecy."

*dies of hysterical laughter*
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 09:26 am (UTC)

(Link)

Thanks! That was actually the first bit I came up with.
[User Picture]From: [info]thermidor
2003-08-11 09:15 am (UTC)

::cracks up::

(Link)

I followe da link here and am so glad I did. That was hysterical!

I especially liked the Ted & Jack Sparrow bit.
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 09:27 am (UTC)

Re: ::cracks up::

(Link)

Yay! A thumbs-up from a Ted fan!
[User Picture]From: [info]lovelypoet
2003-08-11 09:20 am (UTC)

(Link)

Got here via a link on my friends list. Have only one thing to say.

BWAHAHAHA! Best. Thing. Ever!!!
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 09:28 am (UTC)

(Link)

Glad you enjoyed it! And I love your icon.
[User Picture]From: [info]northernveil
2003-08-11 09:23 am (UTC)

(Link)

*snickers helplessly*

Good work!
/northern
[User Picture]From: [info]casapazzo
2003-08-11 09:25 am (UTC)

(Link)

Soviet décor gulag
*snarf* These are all v. fab (appropriately enough). Poor Blair.

Sympathies on the RL-friend outing. More and more of my RL friends have been joining LJ, and while it's a nice way to keep up with their lives (since I'm cursed with the male phone gene - I don't use it except to say "ok, what time are we meeting at the movies?"), occasionally I might want to talk about things I don't want to share with half my RL social circle. Bit of a tricky balance.
[User Picture]From: [info]mearagrrl
2003-08-11 10:28 am (UTC)

(Link)

occasionally I might want to talk about things I don't want to share with half my RL social circle

Had this same problem myself--when I started this thing, it was just my fannish friends, and then all of a sudden all my RL friends got them too! But this is what custom friends lists are for, see....

FABULOUS fic! Love it all of it, but "Magento" is really making me giggle.
From: [info]lastscorpion
2003-08-11 09:31 am (UTC)

(Link)

Wow! Very funny!

My favorite line was:

TED: And the rum goes back.


From: (Anonymous)
2003-12-07 07:09 pm (UTC)

(Link)

Why was the rum GONE???!!! Lisa
[User Picture]From: [info]dantana
2003-08-11 09:34 am (UTC)

(Link)

Oh man, I hurt myself laughing. Thank you.
[User Picture]From: [info]daraq
2003-08-11 09:42 am (UTC)

(Link)

Brilliant!
[User Picture]From: [info]rivkat
2003-08-11 09:56 am (UTC)

(Link)

Wonderful! (As is the SV story. I have thoughts; will try to send them along soon.)
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 12:40 pm (UTC)

(Link)

Ooooh, good. Any inspiration that could be applied to that story would be a good thing; I hate to just leave the lads hanging.
[User Picture]From: [info]hackthis
2003-08-11 10:00 am (UTC)

(Link)

I weep at the brilliance of this. This really is fucking classic.
From: [info]jacynrebekah
2003-08-11 10:01 am (UTC)

(Link)

Oh! This made my morning! Hilarious!
[User Picture]From: [info]janeeyre17
2003-08-11 10:01 am (UTC)

(Link)

THOM: The rest of the apartment is like some Soviet décor gulag -- but the bedroom is fantastic! Who did this for you? Because, let’s face it, you didn’t do this yourself.

MULDER: Kind of a weird story, really --

Bwahaha. I love the fab 5 and combining them with some of my favorite fandom guys only makes it better.

[User Picture]From: [info]lcsbanana
2003-08-11 10:03 am (UTC)

(Link)

TERROR DRAG.

God, you're a genius. *giggles madly*
[User Picture]From: [info]cereta
2003-08-11 10:17 am (UTC)

(Link)

Dying now.
From: [info]theatlien
2003-08-11 10:18 am (UTC)

(Link)

Dead on with Lex and Angel. Dead on.
[User Picture]From: [info]akahannah
2003-08-11 10:27 am (UTC)

(Link)

:D This rocks. Especially the Angel one.
[User Picture]From: [info]yahtzee63
2003-08-11 12:42 pm (UTC)

(Link)

Your icon is completely sick. And I LOVE it.
[User Picture]From: [info]milady1844
2003-08-11 10:34 am (UTC)

(Link)

Absolutely delightful! Loved Ted and Jack Sparrow!

A lovely way to start the week!
Page 1 of 8
<<[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] >>